i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Randomize
