i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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