You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
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