last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
