so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
