I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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