My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Randomize
