for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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