if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
