I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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