How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
