He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
