Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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