I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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