the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
