Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
