"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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