why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
