So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
