you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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