it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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