I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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