Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
