News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
