I will die if light touches me.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
