I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
