Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
