is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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