I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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