and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
