I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
