so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
