We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
