yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Life is so much better after having sex.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
