Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I just gargled with NyQuil
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
