he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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