You really coming over, don't trick.
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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