So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
