you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
