my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
