I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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