Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
