Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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