i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
