hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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