I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
