he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
