I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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