A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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