I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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