there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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