My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
