I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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