I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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