You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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